A Good Christain

The other day I was walking home from work with some co-workers and two of them were talking about how mean and frustrating another co-worker is. They talked about how she made them feel bad all the time. They made a comment about how she is suppose to be a Christian and how un-Christ like she really is. I really didn't know what to say in the conversation because I have to admit I was also pretty frustrated with the persons attitude.

A couple of days later the girl who everyone had been complaining about posted on her facebook about how she wasn't going to stoop down to other people's level and how "no one people are turned away from Christianity". My heart sank when I read that because I immediately began to think: "Oh my gosh, is she talking about me? Am I a bad Christian? I don't want to be a terrible person".

I can't tell you how long I've spent thinking about this situation over the past few days. It's really got my brain wrecking because both parties said the exact same thing about the other person... I had a lot of anxiety trying to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could become more like Christ.

You see, I'm not saying this because I condemn either set of people but because I realize how terrible and cutting words and attitudes can be. I think one of the blessings about having a terrible self esteem is that I almost never think that i'm better than someone else, rather I always think I'm the worst person on the face of the earth. I really beat myself up about this whole situation and just wanted to be a better person. Then it hit me - God is teaching me a story about Mercy - Again!

In Mercy we forgive the incompleteness in another person. (even ourselves) We are always going to meet people who drive us crazy, annoy us, and don't do things in a manner that we want them to. Also they are going to be things about people that we get frustrated in because we do not see God, but we cannot then treat the person like they do not have God there at all. Blessed are those who believe without seeing -

I think sometimes i'm the worst person in my office, I get frustrated quickly and often speak when I should be silent. I don't always have the best manners and I can be judgmental. Then, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and remember that God did not come to heal the healthy but to heal the sick. Knowing my weakness can help me to know how much more I can grow. I am Nothing without God and I am sorry for the times in which I let my humanness get the best of me.

This year has been really difficult for me having so many different medical issues and being so far away from home. I made a huge sacrifice by staying here and completing my voluntary service rather than going home and dealing with my own medical issues. I know I made the right decision because I feel like I am at peace but that does not mean it doesn't come with a lot of difficulties. I have a thorn in my side and unfortunately i'm not as holy as Paul so sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it. Sometimes when I lash out in anger it's from feeling completely alone and surrounded by pain. God reminds me that I need to turn to Him for comfort and not to let it out on those around me. A lesson i've been trying to learn for a while now.

Because I am weak, I can be strong in Christ. I have to rely on Him to make it through the chaos of my current life and I need to remember at the end of the day he is a God of Mercy.

"There've been times when I've turned from His presence... And I've walked other paths, other ways; But I've called on His name, in the dark on my shame, and His mercy was gentle as silence."

Am I a good christian? Do I turn others away from Christianity? Maybe... but I guess that just means I need to start praying harder so that I am more of Him and less of me.